Series: Healing For Damaged Emotions
#4 Healing Our Low Self Esteem Part 1
Feb 8, 2009
Do you remember the television show of several years ago, The Beverly Hillbillies? Out hunting one day, Jed Clampett discovered oil--black gold, Texas tea—on his property and he became a multi-millionaire overnight. His kinfolk told him that he needed to move away from the mountains to a new home befitting his newfound wealth to another area of hills called Beverly—Hills that is. As you recall the various episodes were a comedic clash between the cultures of the Clampett family and that of the wealthy, upscale Beverly Hills.
In our series, Healing for Damaged Emotions, we have discovered that each and every person to some degree has broken and damaged emotions that have scarred us deeply. Those hurts, cuts, and scars have not only damaged us, but continue through our lives to affect what we believe about God, ourselves, and others. These scars then influence how we relate to our spouses, our children, our parents, our friends, our bosses, our employees, our neighbors, and even our perceived enemies. These scars also greatly shape how we see ourselves.
We discovered that Satan’s greatest weapon which he uses to defeat, frustrate and discourage God’s redeemed is that of low self-worth—a deep, abiding belief and feeling that I am not worthy of any good thing, that I have nothing to offer, that others are innately worth more than I am, and therefore I am a nobody. Proverbs 23:7 hits the nail on the head, “As he thinketh in his heart, so is he.” Some call this a self-fulfilling prophecy. The truth is your self-concept reveals itself in everything you are and do. It has that much power over you.
In his letter to the early Christians John marvels in verse 1, “How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!” Amy Carmichael has written, “There is no need to plead that the love of God shall fill our hearts as though He were unwilling to fill us…. Love is pressing around us on all sides like air. Cease to resist it and instantly love takes possession.”
The next sentence by John is a most powerful statement, “And that is what we are!” The question for each of us is this--How do you see yourself? Do you see yourself as a failure, a no account, a Charlie Brown, a born loser? Or do you see yourself as the Apostle John describes a child of God, and all that that means. Unfortunately far too many Christians believe Satan’s lies that we are not God’s redeemed child, but rather worthless creatures. Yet John very clearly states that because of God’s love (think John 3:16) we are God’s children with all the rights and privileges of a child of God. John emphatically states, “And that is what we are!” We are heirs of God and joint-heirs with Jesus, the Bible says. Unfortunately reality often does not match our practice because we have been so programmed by our emotional scars and inner pain to believe that God could not possible love us enough to make us one of His children.
The Beverly Hillbillies were rich beyond measure but they still lived like they were back in the mountain holler! Their reality did not match their lives and their lives did not match their new reality. In his letter to the Christians at Ephesus, Paul is encouraging them to live up to their new life in Christ and to put off the old life. Paul is basically telling them that since they are a new creation in Christ, they should act like it!
Here’s a great story to illustrate that we often don’t live in the reality of what we have. Some years ago college friends of our Stephanie were married. Susanna and her husband, Josh, both students at Asbury College, were off on their honeymoon provided for them by the groom’s family. Their destination: The Breakers Hotel in Palm Beach, Florida. The Breakers is an extremely posh hotel where the rich and famous hang out. In fact our son Steven worked as a bellman there for a couple years while he was a student in college. At the Breakers Hotel we are talking here the lap of luxury and very expensive. A bottle of water costs $5-$6 alone. A night’s lodging for a room is $630. per night and a suite would cost $1,200 per night. As Josh and Susanna surveyed the restaurant menus they knew that with both of them in college, they could not afford to eat their meals at The Breakers. During the first week of their wedded bliss, they ate at fast food restaurants, dined on crackers and cheese and visited the local Publix with regularity.
When they went to check out, the desk clerk informed them that they still had a lot of money in their account that they hadn’t spent. Looking confused and bewildered, the desk clerk asked, “Didn’t you know that your father had already paid for all your meals, even room service?” Josh and Susanna were shocked. They could have dined in some of the world’s finest restaurants, eaten the most lavish of gourmet food, and lived like the rich and famous for this one week. Instead they ate at McDonald’s, feasted on cheese and crackers from Publix, and dined on crispy chicken at KFC. They didn’t know that it had all been paid for.
How many of us do that same thing. God our Father has provided everything for us to live like one of His children, and yet we live like one of his servants. Why? Because we see ourselves as servants and not as a son or daughter. Instead of feasting at His banqueting table, we dine on the world’s cheese and crackers. Why? Because our damaged emotions causes us to see ourselves as nobodies, undeserving of God’s love, not worthy of God’s blessings and perhaps not even aware that God has provided for our every need. It’s all there, but we don’t take full advantage of what we have been given! All this stems from a poor and unhealthy self-image as a redeemed child of God.
What then does healthy self-esteem look like? There are 3 main components to a healthy self-image. The first is a sense of belonging, of being loved. This is the awareness of being wanted, cared for, and accepted. This awareness or lack of it begins at the moment of birth or maybe even earlier in utero. How very critical this is in a person’s life from the very beginning that will shape and influence that person’s entire life.
The second component of healthy self-esteem is a sense of worth and value. It is the inner belief, most often, in the subconscious and a feeling of “I matter. I am valued. I have something to offer.”
The third component is a sense of being competent. It is the inner feeling of “I can do this. I can cope and handle this situation. I can face life with confidence and boldness.”
One of my great fears for the future is that we are raising thousands of kids who will have low self-esteem because parents are too busy, too preoccupied, too stressed to instill into their children these 3 main components of belonging, worthiness, and competency. Low self-esteem leads to all sorts of behavior problems, acting out, anger, pre-marital sex resulting in single parenting, drug use, gang involvement, poverty, and all sorts of anti-social behavior.
George Herbert Meade, the great social psychologist describes many of the factors that contribute to our self-image as the “looking glass self.” These factors include your birth family, infancy and childhood through teen years and all of life’s experiences up to this point in time. It is the culmination of your parents and family members response to you through facial expressions, verbal responses and tones, attitudes, actions and reactions towards you, and the words spoken or not spoken to you.
When first born, a baby has no self-concept. As that baby grows he or she gains a picture of him or herself. Where do children get that picture? From the reflection of the reactions of the important people in their lives. How have people reflected back to you your sense of self-value and self-worth?
When I was a kid and went to the fun houses and amusement parks, we often entered into the world of the mirrors. Each mirror was shaped differently so that when you stood in front of it, you were distorted, and everyone laughed. Because of modern technology we are able to replicate those funny house of mirrors distortions via computer programs. Very often those distortions became the real picture that we had of ourselves, and we have believed those distortions as our true self.
Dr. David Seamands tells the story of Shirley, the wife of a seminarian. She was raised in a strong Christian home where she learned the value of security, hard work, discipline, strong Christian commitment, and high moral standards. She learned to love the Lord, God’s Word, and the church. Her parents had given her the best of everything and were good parents. They affirmed and encouraged her in every way, but as well meaning as that was, her parents went about it the wrong way. The affirmed and encouraged her by making comparisons, and setting conditions like “Shirley, you are so nice, when….” “Shirley, I hope you’ll never be like Sally down the street.” “That’s really great, Shirley, but….” “ We love you when…if…but…” So many conditions and stipulations! Shirley learned to perform, work hard, strive for the best, and be an achiever. When Shirley was going through the typical “ugly duckling” stage of pre-teenage years, her dad--with a pure heart and motive and trying to get Shirley accept herself as she was--told her, “Shirley, you just can’t make a peach out of a potato.” Instead of helping her, he was really scarring and cutting her at the very heart of her self-esteem. From that point on, Shirley saw herself as an ugly potato and not a sweet peach. Her self-image affected everything she was and did. Shirley needed a new set of mirrors. Eventually through God’s grace and Christian counseling she was able to get rid of her self-distortions and to see herself as God was making her to be.
Like Shirley, we need is a new set of mirrors. That is exactly what Jesus gives us so that we can see ourselves as we really are—redeemed, saved, born again children of God, no longer distorted but normal. No longer misshaped, but shaped anew by God’s Spirit. Unfortunately while many of us have become Christians, we still see the same old distorted shapes. We remain spiritual hillbillies attempting to live in God’s Kingdom. As Christians, God has taken us out of the kingdom of this world and placed us in the Kingdom of Christ, but we are still living like we are in the kingdom of this world! Healing happens when we allow and permit God to transform how we see ourselves. When that transformation happens first in us, then others will see us as a new creation in Christ. No longer fearful of our own shadows. No longer in bondage to guilt and shame. No longer afraid of people. No longer curmudgeonly, angry, envious, bitter, full of self-doubt and defeated. No longer ashamed to look at ourselves in the mirror.
Why? Because we have been transformed by God’s Spirit into a child of the living God. By His marvelous and wonderful grace, God reprograms the mirrors by which we see ourselves and enables us to see ourselves as He sees us, as we really are. In God’s sight you are no longer a hillbilly but a millionaire.
You are no longer a distorted figure, but a beloved child of God Himself. How do you see yourself?